In a heartfelt email on Thursday, the Provost of McGill delivered a touching admission of their love for the bag, the moolah, the green….THE MONEY. Amidst the 4 full scrolls worth of writing, the email included the following sweet sentiment: “We met in the blood-money-soaked room of TechFair. It was then that I knew I would trade my soul to be with the one I loved– money, and especially the bloodiest. No one can stop our love, not even the overbearing mental burden of destabilizing world order.”
One individual did attempt to keep McGill from the Money. It was the previous husband of the Money, beloved cartoon character Mr. Krabs. The greedy crab-bastard demanded a duel to the death for the love of the Money. The duel lasted decades and was primarily fought in the Middle East. McGill ultimately prevailed, allowing the union between the Money and Provost to be set in holy matrimony.
The Faucet interviewed some students on their thoughts about the Provost’s email: “I thought it was beautiful. It inspired me to try to find love this Valentine’s Day,” said one student who needs to shut the fuck up. Another student admitted, “I thought love would die after admin banned the orgies in the McConnell bathroom, but after such a love-infused email, I’m sure more bathrooms are gonna need card access soon if I have anything to do about it!” However, a less enthusiastic student claimed, “I don’t read emails, that sounds like it fucking sucks ass.” Ironically enough, the Faucet recommends sucking ass to celebrate your Valentine’s Day!