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Google Trends - The Statistical Superweapon

July 24th, 2014

As you know, Google is more than 60% of the way to its goal of controlling enough of society's information and technology to overthrow quarrelsome world governments. Goole will bring us into a peaceful golden age where everything you need in life is accessible from your Google home page and our benevolent technocrats monitor our lives and steer us in the right direction through the power of Google Glass. Some will call it tyranny, but I think you'll agree that Google has a better track record of sticking to its principles and giving the people what they want than most governments do. 

 

In this new Googlian utopia, all information will be accessible to all, and the collective mind of society will be able to tackle the issues of the day like never before. To help ease us into the information singularity, Google introduced a new service a few years ago, known as Google Trends. This powerful tool compares the popularity of search terms over time. Since everyone on Earth uses Google every day (based my survey of a small sample population of me), Google Trends is therefore an accurate and quantitative measure of the values held dear by the collective consciousness of our species.

 

Because the Faucet is the top scientific journal of the McGill EUS and is rigourously peer-reviewed (by the editor), it our duty to use this powerful tool to educate you about the society in which we live. Our scientific method relies on the tried-and-true link between correlation and causation, and as you will see, the links we have uncovered transcend traditional knowledge of the human psyche. 

 

So without further ado, onto to the results of our research.

 

 

The Masturbation Correlation

Our first result is of great importance to NGOs, soup kitchens, religious orders, and other do-gooders everywhere. The chart shows that masturbation and charity are intimately linked.Unfortunately, the drop in masturbation in the last few years has apparently taken a toll on our philanthropic tendancies.But knowledge is power, and charities can adjust their methods to support their causes. For example, "Porn Mags for Old Rags" could be a promising intiative to collect used clothing. Just remember, give yourself a hand to lend a hand!

 

 

Priorities

This next chart says a lot about humanity. Teetotallers and hippies will be glad to see that beer and money rank pretty low on society's list of priorities, and romantics will be pleased how love outshines both by a long shot. But ultimately, the main motivating force in our lives is sex. And it gets more important by the day!

 

Occupy Google

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This little chart justifies the entire Occupy Wallstreet movement. They say that the richest 1% control 35% of wealth, but they have even more insidious power over the internet. The richest 1% control over 80% of Google searches, with the 99% forced to fight over the scraps. Back in 2011, the Occupy movement managed to take back the majority share of Google searches, but when they left Zuccotti Park, they left the internet in the hands of those money-grubbing plutocrats. Occupy Google, and take back our search dominance!

Toronto's Burden

They try to shake it every year, but they just can't escape defeat. Maybe next year.

An Inconvenient Truth

Everyone is thinking green, but not in an electric cars, recycling, and dreadlocks sort of way. Al Gore would roll over in his grave (or bed? I haven't heard much about him recently) to see that interest in the environment has dropped by half in the same timeframe that interest in greenbacks has jumped 25%. But don't worry, I'm sure it's a passing fad, kind of like global warming and whaling moratoriums.

Riding Bareback

Condoms, long-prized for their sperm-wrangling and STD-brawling abilities, have been losing ground to the pill, and I have a theory why. When people started to realize around 2006 that STDs are just a conspriacy invented by prudes in the Deep South, condoms lost their trump card against the pill. Since the pill is at least as reliable as condoms at protecting your health and bank account from procreation, couples have started to favour a more natural approach to sex where the juices can mingle and the environment can be spared from sticky latex. Or maybe people are just using both - I'm studying engineering, so I'm not exactly an authority on the subject.

All Hail the Sheef

And finally, we have the most shocking revelation of all - Barack Obama is linked to sheep sex. In November 2008, the month that Barack Obama was elected, there was a massive spike in interest in sheep sex. Sheep sex almost overtook the election itself in popularity, and those levels of popularity were not even matched by Obama's reelection. I do not know what sordid activities the President is involved in, but he is clearly inspiring enough to make you want to grab a wooly ruminant and go for a roll in the hay. 

Thus conlcudes the current progress on our research. Google Trends has revealed many important things to us about our society, and the Faucet hopes to continue delivering cutting-edge research in articles and issues to come. So masturbate, have sex (possibly with sheep), avoid Leafs and latex, and remember that the environment will be happy to wait until you sort out your money problems.

by: Liquid Giggles